The most boring, slowest, you-have-to-work-really-really-hard-for-it, moves-like-a-turtle, nothing-exciting-happens diet that really works.
I should have done my homework before starting this blog. But now, five weeks into this thing, I’ve researching some keywords associated with “weight loss” and “diet”. Apparently, I’m doing this whole thing wrong. My diet should be quick, fast, and involve a free trial of some not so thinly disguised caffeine pills. I should be using nitric oxide, acai, or eating from the Hardee’s “Trim It” menu. Because after creating the 2/3 lb Monster Thickburger at 1420 calories and 108 grams of fat, what I really need Hardee’s to do is give me diet and healthy eating advice.
I almost forgot the mysterious and plentiful diet pills (also with free trials) and food based diets like cabbage soup, drinking vinegar, the banana diet. Yes, eating bananas will help you lose weight if you only eat three bananas all day. Not rocket science, folks.
Well, I realized that watching me lose weight the old fashioned way might be boring. I might only lose a fraction of a pound in a week. I may never have six pack abs! Why are you all wasting your time on me? I am not a miracle . . . . yet.
This morning, I came up with the George Clooney Diet. Then I googled it and found out George Clooney was already on a diet. Then he was on a reverse diet. Then I remember that when I want anything ruined, I turn to George Clooney. Here’s how it works.
Step one: Eat reasonable portions of healthy food.
Step two: Use up more calories (exercise) than you take in (eat).
Step three: Increase your activity level to 5-7 times a week. Shoot for an hour a day, every day, but be happy with anything more than you used to do.
Step four: One morning (say this particular morning), you walk by your mirror and notice your underpants are ill-fitting and say to yourself, “Look at that soggy bottom, boys” and immediately reflect on George Clooney and how you only really like his acting when he isn’t taking himself too seriously. The soggy bottom isn't your bottom, but your underpants are now too big and your real bottom is getting smaller! Your bottom can get smaller, that's the real selling point of The George Clooney Diet.
Then you’ll go back to step one eating reasonable portions of healthy food and do it all over again, week after week, on the slowest, least exciting diet you ever heard of. It might work, but no one really cares about that. Do they, boys?
Thursday Food Journal
300 - Kashi, milk, blueberries
090 - Pita chips
340 - Lean Cuisine Panini
000 - Coke Zero (I never drink soda, but I've been have a rough week)
083 - Almonds
042 - Peach
080 - Yogurt
140 - 1/2 Baked potato
065 - 1/2 Salad (bunch of lettuce and some light ranch)
100 - 1/2 cup of chili
100 - 1/4 piece of pizza (really 3 bites)
400 - cup of Bruster's key lime pie ice cream and the only thing I've been craving and denying myself since H3. The ice cream has been in my fridge untouched for a few days. This is my infrequent frequency. Thursdays and Fridays are my toughest days of the week. I wouldn't say the treat made it better. Sort of left me feeling flat. Don't get me wrong it was yummy. It just doesn't have the power over me to do that "mind happiness" thing food used to do. I felt like it was big progress to realize that!
Thursday Exercise Journal
None, nada. Second day of kindergarten for my oldest monster. Meetings at work. Decatur Book Festival meetings after work. I'm barely squeaking this blog in by the midnight deadline. Oops. Too many excuses. I'll try to do some stairs at work on the morrow.
Weird Weight Loss Tip
*A note on frequency. I neglected to post a blog last night because I started working on a short story (Fiction of course. What else is there in my life?). As much as I love talking to you about my diet, I must channel some of this writing energy back into my novel. You’re dying to read it, aren’t you? Well, I’ll be posting a story called “Maize” in October with my writing friends on Petit Fours and Hot Tamales. I would love to hear what you think my story might be about from just the title. Love, comedy, or something wicked this way comes? It is a piece from my novel. If you are out there wishing me well, please wish me well on my writing. And also wish me well on my diet. The George Clooney Diet.
Happy eating and exercising. And happy writing.